Sometimes I give things away on Facebook. Last week, I offered up a custom handkerchief, and the winner requested “Mrs. Roper. But classy.”
This was the result, and I have to say it is pretty hilarious. She is currently on her way to Georgia, where Justin plans to use her to “wipe his piehole”. Do I have the best Facebook fans or what?
Today’s lesson: Join me on Facebook to get some free stuff.
That Thursday night line-up back in the early/mid 90s was great. Some people think Seinfeld jumped the shark. I think, as with many sitcoms, the characters began to parody themselves. That’s not to say it jumped the shark. Still, I refuse to think of Kramer as “Cosmo” because that’s just silly.
Kramer has been on my mind lately, specifically the episode that he decides to spend most of his time in the shower. He installs a garbage disposal in his bathtub and begins prepping meals while he is showering. Hilarity ensues when he serves such a meal to a germaphobe with predictable results. Why is this in particular on my mind? I am currently going through a nightmarish bathroom rehab in my home, and I have not showered since August 10th. Yes, I have entered my 4th consecutive week without fully cleaning myself. Every time I shove my head under the kitchen tap to wash my hair, I think of Kramer, and how disgusting it is to crossover hygiene with food. Honestly, I’m clinging to my sanity by a mere thread these days, and I fully blame the necessity of using the kitchen sink for tasks it was not intended. I’m far from a germaphobe, but sometimes I can smell food bits because my face is right next to the garbage disposal, and man, that is just gross. Luckily, I should have a fully functioning, beautiful new bathroom in only three more weeks. Please shower today, wherever you are, and love the hell out of it.
In the meantime, enjoy this Kramer stitch. I have been dying to use that pink fabric, and this was surely kismet.
It’s another lacy vintage tablecloth project, because I love stitching something silly on something frilly. When I look at this one, my head screams “Zoinks!” and the theme song immediately pours from my lips. Unfortunately, I’m a terrible singer, and I’m not just being modest. I am a terrible, terrible singer.
I considered making a set of napkins to go with this tablecloth, but I couldn’t decide on trippy flower-power napkins, or ghost/goblin napkins. Believe it or not, Scooby Doo was actually too scary for me as a kid. I couldn’t handle it until much later in life. Yes, I was kind of a neurotic kid. Accidentally seeing the Psycho shower scene on cable as a youngster scarred me for life. Anyway, the napkins didn’t happen. Maybe later, but for now, I’m happy enough to look at the Mystery Machine and Fred’s glorious ascot.
I hope there is someone out there who really, really loves The Simpsons because I will only allow this son of a bitch to go to the most loving of homes. Why? Because it took me damn near forever to complete. In stitching terms, that is probably only a few months, but when we are talking hours invested, I can’t even think about it or I’ll faint.
The tablecloth was found in a thrift store, like all of my accoutrements. The lace edge and sunshine yellow called my name, screamed my name, and I was truly giddy taking it home. I first envisioned stitching Yellow Submarine on this gem. When The Simpsons also came to mind, I went with the franchise I felt was less likely to sue me. In the end, I know I made the right decision and I enjoyed every little stitch of this project. I typically require much faster gratification, and I’m not quite sure why I didn’t abandon this midway, as I tend to do when thousands of stitches are involved (refer to the Iron Maiden post, for example).
I spoke to my hat model about giving this away on my Facebook page. His shook his head at me as if to say, Oh, you silly, silly chump, and told me to post the hell out of it on my Etsy. Copyright infringement, be damned! So, that’s what I did. If you’ve got a large budget for needless nonsense, check out the listing! If not, feel free to congratulate me instead.
The Greatest American Hero was only on for three seasons, thankfully, because it was truly an awful show, even by 80s standards. The main character, Ralph, is a teacher who is made into a superhero by aliens. That’s an acceptable premise, but Ralph loses his instruction manual for being a superhero (what?), and he is a bumbling idiot throughout.
Why did I watch it? I watched it because of the stellar theme song (Believe it or not, I’m walking on air…), and as a youngster, I relished in seeing a grown man with a blond afro on my television screen. You see… I had a blond afro. In fact, at that time, I was just really growing into my afro, and it gave me hope that I could be somebody. Please see the slideshow below for visual reference.
Isn’t that hilarious? By 5th grade you can see that I was already incredibly angry about my blond afro. That’s not even a perm, people! It is shocking how many times I should have died from embarrassment in my life. But don’t laugh too hard. I’m pretty sure that somewhere out there, someone is mortified by something you have said or done. It’s up to you whether you waste time giving a fuck. Excuse me while I fly away on a wing and a prayer.
Watching Gilligan’s Island always annoyed me because Gilligan was such a bumbling idiot. He ruined everything, all the time, and Skipper was a complete fascist. The one redeeming quality in the show, for me, was Thurston and Lovey.
Lovey with her pearls and giant wicker hats, and Thurston with his silk cravats and golf references, were far funnier than Gillian’s stumbling slapstick nonsense. In fact, seeing the Howells in embroidered bliss makes me want to crack open the bubbly and forget that I have a care in the world. I might even want to crawl into a hammock, but I don’t trust those contraptions in the least.
Bonus link: The Official Gilligan’s Island Fan Club! If you can stand all of the Comic Sans, you can click on a coconut icon to hear the theme song. You can purchase a replica Gilligan shirt. You can email Gilligan’s Island experts. It is some crazy ass shit, I’m telling you.
Is it a bigfoot, or is it a yeti? I called it a yeti and was schooled by my hat model, who claims that a yeti is snowbound and white while a bigfoot is a warmer-climate beast. My argument is that the silhouette is the same, but for the sake of all that is right in the world, let’s call it a bigfoot.
I received a special request from a friend for this particular hat, worn by Lorelai in an episode of Gilmore Girls. I like to be up to speed on all pop culture references, especially regarding knitwear, but I’ve never seen the show. When I mentioned that I should give it a whirl, she said I’d probably feel the same way as her husband, “annoyed by the dialogue”. Based on that comment, I quickly nixed the idea of watching it. Are there any fans out there? If so, please tell me if I’m missing anything.
Despite the show itself, isn’t this a fantastic hat? I was fully prepared to create a pattern based on the episode screenshot, but after some hunting, I found another knitter who already created a chart and posted it to her blog (for free!). She also sells finished bigfoot hats in her Etsy shop. Just for the record, my friend will reimburse me for the yarn, but that’s it. Only an asshole would use someone’s free pattern, then sell the finished piece. I’m not an asshole.
Bigfoot Hat Chart by Woolly Rhino Crafts
Woolly Rhino Crafts on Etsy